At Dan Jenkins front door. (knock, knock, knock)
PPG: Mr. Jenkins, it’s PurePlayGolf. We had an interview scheduled today.
DJ: Huh, who’s there? Whaddya sellin’?
PPG: Mr. Jenkins open the door. It’s PurePlayGolf.
DJ: Pure what?? I don’t need any. No one’s home. Go away.
(Pound, pound, pound on the door.)
DJ: I told ya, get the hell outta here, ya lil’ queer….
PPG: Mr, Jenkins I don’t think you can use that term any more.
DJ: I can say and write anything I damn want to!
PPG: I’ve got Perkins gift cards if you’d just open up…
DJ: Why didn’t you say so in the first place? Love their Grand Slam breakfast…
PPG: I think you’ve got the two confused. Denny’s has the Grand Slam breakfast.
DJ: Nope, never hit a grand Slam myself. Played a lil’ fantasy football awhile back….
PPG: Please open the door!
Rustling, a loud “clunk”, heavy breathing. Finally the door opens. Jenkins appears with a rocks glass in his right hand, dressed in Augusta National boxers and a wife-beater that has an “I am the Greatest Sportswriter” patch sewn on the front. A 1967 US Open visor sits on his dome, Harry Carey glasses cover blank eyes.
DJ (whispering): Ya ain’t no Jewish sports agent are ya??
PPG: No, I’m a catholic that goes to church when there’s snow on the ground.
DJ: Pheww, get in here quick boy. Folks is after me.
We sit down on rusty lawn chairs facing a portrait of Jenko hung upside down on a wall.
PPG: What is that hanging off your ear, Mr. Jenkins?
DJ: It’s my Clapper hearing aid. Just have to smack my hands together to turn it up. Sponsor was givin’ em away at the St. Jude Classic.
PPG: Looks like a smoke detector….
DJ: Say you’re a defector?? Where you from boy?
PPG: I’m from Illinois. You know the Land of Lincoln, the Fighting Illini.
DJ: Wait a damn cottonpickin’ minute PureGay, I mean PureSay, PureDay, whatever the hell ya go by. You ain’t a college bud of Steinie’s is ya? Ya know he was a part of the Non-Flyin’ Illini hoops team in ‘89. Ever see a Jew with hops?
PPG: Didn’t know that Jenko.
DJ: Ain’t nothin’ I don’t know. It’s my job to make stuff up. You have any idea who yer talkin’ to boy??
PPG: Some ole dude who pecks out nonsense on a typewriter?
DJ: Damn right I did. Never worked a day in my life. Didn’t earn a nickel. Everything was given to me or else I took it from the media tent. Augusta has great towels. Got a whole closet full of ‘em. Want a couple? $25/each.
PPG: Mr. Jenkins, can we talk about golf and your noteworthy career?
PPG: Lemme turn that up for ya (Clap! Clap!)
DJ: OOOOOWWWWW… Not that loud boy.
PPG: Who was the greatest player you ever saw?
DJ: Geez, I seen ‘em all. They all adored me. They used to buy me drinks and food even before there was any damn Perkins. I never paid for nothin’. You should’ve seen my expense accounts at the magazine. Heeewwww Boy, those was the days…
PPG: So did ya ever pick up a check?
DJ: Hell, never been to that part of Europe before.
PPG: So who was the best? Hogan, Nicklaus?
DJ: Hmmmmmm, wanna drink young man. I think I got some grape Nehi in the ole fridge.
PPG: What are you sippin’?
DJ: Iced tea….. maybe scotch. Not quite sure. Got quite a kick to it.
PPG: Jerki, I mean Jenko, who was the best?
DJ: Well, Hogan and me were buddies. I knew Hogan before Hogan knew Hogan, ya know what I mean boy? Without me there wouldn’t have been any Hogan legacy. Damn shame he got hit by that bus. That was a brand new car….
DJ: Ridiculous???? Hell no. Hogan was a bit strange but he wasn’t ridiculous.
PPG: I said (Clap! Clap!) NICKLAUS!
DJ: Oh, Jackie boy, yeah he was ok.
PPG: What about Arnie?
DJ: Annie who? No let’s not bring up the past boy.
PPG: No, Arnold Palmer…
DJ: I told you… GRAPE NEHI is all I got!
PPG: What about Woods?
DJ: Those guys were so good they never hit it in the damn woods! Split all the fairways, hit the greens and romanced that flat stick. Ever see Demaret putt?
PPG: No, I meant Tiger….
DJ: Love Tigers. Back in the day the sponsors used to give me free tickets to the circus if it was in town. I loved seein’ them tamers smack those big furry cats. Kinda reminds me of a gal I met in Pensacola one night……..
PPG: Geez, have you ever had an affair Jenko?
DJ: With which hand? (loud laughter). That’s a joke boy…. I think. Hell I can’t remember. I’m 12 over par.
PPG: How many times have you been married?
DJ: I don’t remember…
DJ: Enough times to be selling Augusta National towels for $25.
PPG: Did you ever do a sit down with Sarazen?
DJ: Never took a likin’ to ‘em. Don’t own a single one.
DJ: Cardigans. I just don’t like ‘em.
PPG: Tell me about “Dead, Solid, Perfect”.
DJ: That’s what’s goin’ on my tombstone. Pretty appropriate don’t ya think boy?
PPG: Not much of a literary masterpiece. A second grader could’ve written it.
DJ: Not just ANY second grader……
PPG: Did Snead and Nelson get along?
DJ: Oh, you mean Sam and Byron. Or was that Bam and Siren…. Snelson and Bead? Geez, this iced tea is kickin’ my ass…. What was yer question?
PPG: Never mind. Were you buddies with Murray?
PPG: The sportswriter from LA. Loved reading his stuff. It was pertinent, thoughtful, informative and to the point. Great golf writer. A lil’ more polished than your efforts.
DJ: Hmmmm, Murray, Murray…… oh, hell, Bill Murray never wrote anything worth a damn. His movies suck too.
PPG: What about McIlroy?
DJ: Damndest thing I ever saw. The guy makes a movie, Tin Hat or something like that and resurrects himself as a young man winnin’ all kinds of majors. He was a trainwreck in that movie. You had to see it. Venturi and Nantz were there….
PPG: Geez, ya old geezer, it’s McILROY not McAVOY.
DJ: Who you callin’ old, punk?
PPG: Look, Jerko, I just wanted to get some insight from you on your career. Some call you the greatest sportswriter ever (can’t imagine who). I wanted all four of my readers to get a sense of what you’ve accomplished in your lifetime. You interviewed all the greats – Snead, Hogan, Nelson, Demaret, Palmer, Nicklaus, Trevino…. Why do you think they wanted to talk to you? You seem like kind of a jackass.
DJ: They knew if they’d talk to me it would further their careers. Ya see boy, I’m the greatest and when ya hang with the greatest good things happen to ya. The year Hogan won his Triple Crown, I was there. Palmer at Cherry Hills, I was there. Nicklaus at Augusta in ’86, I was there. No other way to explain it, boy! I AM the man.
PPG: So that was you the fans were yelling for back in the 90’s when the “You Da Man” chant was big?
DJ: Damn straight. I’m still the man and don’t you forget it ya lil’ puny flatlander. You wanted to know about Cardigans…..
PPG: Dano, we covered that a while ago. You still with me?
DJ: That portrait looks great don’t it?
PPG: I guess it depends on how many iced teas you’ve had….
DJ: Ya know what’s great about bein’ old?? Wearin’ diapers again. I can drink a helluva lot and never get outta my chair.
PPG: I suppose…..
DJ: Nope I ain’t wearin’ no support hose. Got the legs of a 30 year old..
PPG: (Under my breath) And the mind of a …..
DJ: Huh? (Clap! Clap!)
PPG: So has this Politically Correct Movement hampered your writing?
DJ: You said you were gay, right? Hell no. We’re all humans. Humans all have a sense of humor. I like to poke fun at everyone – Jews, Blacks, Asians, Rastafarians, retards, poor folks, ugly folks, those wooden shoe wearin’dudes from Holland, ISIS, lions, tigers and bears……
PPG: Geez, Jenko you can’t say that. You’ll offend someone and the PC task force will be looking for you.
DJ: Ya know, the other night while I was sittin’ in my lawn chair whizzin’ my diaper I saw something big pass by my window. Big glowing eyes….
DJ: Might be. Never gotta a chance to interview him. Bet he hits it outta sight huh?
PPG: Probably. What about Feherty? Ever hang out with him. I think he’s pretty funny.
DJ: You would. He’s just a lil’ smartass with an Irish accent. Of course folks think he’s cute. I’m way better at parody than that weasel.
PPG: What’s your take on the Asian influence on the LPGA Tour?
DJ: Egads, they’re everywhere. Kim’s, Kong’s, Wong’s, Li’s, Lo’s, Ko’s….. You need a damn program to tell ‘em apart. I get in trouble sometimes when I’m having a drink and start talkin’ about that tour. Gender and Asians gets folks riled up a bit. It’s a double negative thingy…
PPG: So you stick mainly to covering mens golf.
DJ: One gender at a time I always say, except in a threesome…..
PPG: So, did you ever interview Tiger Woods?
DJ: I told you I see ‘em at the circus. They won’t talk to me during their act.
PPG: No, no, no, I mean the golfer Tiger Woods. You know, the guy that has won 14 majors. The dominant player of the modern era? Tiger, flippin’ Woods!
DJ: You mean the dude who crashed his Escapade? That guy? Wears red on Sunday afternoons? Geez, that ain’t happenin’ lately is it?
PPG: Yep, that’s the man.
DJ: Nope, I’m the man. I keep tellin’ ya..
PPG: I meant he’s the guy.
DJ: What guy? Where? Bigfoot back again?
PPG: How old are you Dano?
DJ: Is that a multiple choice question?
PPG: How many over par are you?
PPG: Any birdie chances left as your life winds down?
DJ: Not as long as lil’ jerks like you keep tryin’ to ride my coattails. Hey, I stole it on my own. I ain’t givin’ anything back. I am THE BEST DAMN SPORTSWRITER that ever lived!
PPG: What is the deal between you and Tiger Woods anyway?
DJ: He won’t bow down and kiss my Bic.
PPG: Excuse me?
DJ: I was here long before he was. Did I tell ya I knew Hogan, Snead, Demaret, Nicklaus, Chi Chi, Trevino………
PPG: Arnold Palmer too?
DJ: Kid, I told ya…… GRAPE NEHI!
PPG: So you’re looking for a lil’ love as they say?
DJ: Who said that? You been checkin’ out my ole tour stops? Everything those dames tell ya about me ain’t true.
PPG: You know I’m kind of worn out from this nonsense. Can you give a coherent summary of your career, all of the things you’ve accomplished.
DJ: I’m in the damn Golf Hall of Fame ain’t I !!! What else do you need to know?
PPG: Thanks for wasting my time. Don’t get up. I’ll see myself to the door.
DJ: You do that ya lil’ queer (whizzzzzzzzzzzzz). Ahhhhhhhhh….
PPG: Clap! Clap!